I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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