Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
