Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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