I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
