dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
