How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
