i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
