There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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