I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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