Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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