how can u be prego again
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
