I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
