You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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