We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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