I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
