No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
