yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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