yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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