Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
