I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
