i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
