My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
