So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
