i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
