he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
