I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
