it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
