Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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