you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
