I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i would punch a child for taco bell
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
