my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
