Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
