So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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