I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
