Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
