but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
