It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
