If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Randomize
