I think my vagina is haunted
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
