omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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