i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
