if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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