so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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