So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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