Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
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