just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
