Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
