I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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