I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
