I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
