i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
